


Brittle Heart

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27103597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Erin finds herself introspective as she and Penelope prepare to visit her daughter's graveside. Though a surprise visitor leads to some sense of healing for them all.
Relationships: Penelope Garcia/Erin Strauss
Kudos: 2





	Brittle Heart

Erin hummed beneath her breath as she used her toe to push the porch swing back and forth. Her hands were wrapped around a warm coffee mug as she stared out at the rain that was falling. She knew that she should probably be wearing something a little more substantial than yoga pants, a tank top, and her cardigan, but she hadn't wanted to wake her partner up. There had been something fitting about having rain on a day like today. Absently, she looked down at the scar on her wrist, wishing that things could have turned out differently. Still, that would have meant that she would never have found this happiness that she currently had in her life.

"You are up early."

Erin craned her head back to see that Penelope had appeared in the doorway, and she gave her a small smile as she shrugged. "The rain woke me up, and I couldn't get back to sleep, not when today would have been Karen's birthday."

Penelope smiled sadly as she wrapped a large shawl around her shoulders and joined her in the porch swing. Once she was seated, Penelope reached an arm out and slung it around her shoulders, cocooning her in warmth that was more than just from the knitted shawl. "You should have thrown on something warmer. March rains chill you to the bone every time."

She shrugged again as she burst into tears, curling up close to Penelope's chest. "I know. But she's been gone for eight years now, and I couldn't even go to the funeral. I still feel so guilty about that."

"You were still recovering from what John did to you, Erin. You have to stop beating yourself up over that. He was a monster who tried to murder you because he was so overcome with anger that Alex had been accepted back into the FBI when he was overlooked, and rightfully so. He would never have been brought back into the fold." Penelope dropped a tender kiss to the top of her head as she pried her fingers off the coffee mug and set it on the porch so that she could embrace Erin a little more fully. "It was a tragedy, I'm not trying to minimize that, darling. But you were fighting your own tragic set of circumstances, and you have to recognize that." Erin nodded as she contorted her body to fit more closely to Penelope's chest.

"I keep thinking that I have, and then this day creeps up on me, and I'm just struck by the grief all over again. It's not quite as bad this year as it was last year, which means I'm healing, a little."

"You are. You are a strong woman, Erin, but I also know how grief can sweep our feet out from under us at the moment we least expect it." Penelope began to stroke her back in light circles as Erin adjusted the shawl that was surrounding them. "I lost my mom and stepdad nearly thirty years ago, and I still feel their loss so keenly some days."

She nodded as she adjusted how she was sitting once more, angling her head so that it was resting on Penelope's shoulder as she raised her right arm to curl her hand around Penelope's right shoulder. As soon as she was comfortable, Erin gave in to her tears once more, knowing that Penelope didn't mind when she was vulnerable with her. "I think it would be easier if today was bright and sunny?"

"Yeah, I get that. Do you want to go to her gravesite after we eat breakfast?"

Erin nodded as she leaned her head in to kiss Penelope softly. "I love how sweetly you look after me, especially after David left to be with Krystall." Penelope's arms tightened around her and she shrugged a little as she snuggled in closer to her partner. "We just couldn't make it work. Joy was the first chink in our foundation, and then they just kept coming until that woman waltzed back into his life. She was exciting, whole, and not broken like I am."

"You are not broken, Erin. Far from it. You're the sunshine of my soul."

She sorted a little at that statement. "I have never brought sunshine into your life, Penelope. If anything, there's always been rain when you've stood next to me. I don't deserve you."

"Hush, darling," Penelope replied before pressing a soft kiss to the crown of her head. "There's beauty in the rain, just like there's so much beauty in your soul." Her partner pulled her even closer as she started to rock them back and forth, a comforting silence falling over them as Erin continued to cry and listen to the rain. Penelope began to hum lightly under her breath, a tune that Erin knew, but couldn't place, and Erin allowed her body to relax and become heavy, sleep stealing over her more quickly than she would ever had anticipated.

When she opened her eyes next, they were still on the swing, and Penelope was still holding her close, watching her tenderly. "You didn't have to stay. You could have woken me up, and I would have moved."

"Darling, you're my better half. I know that you didn't get much sleep last night, since you were out here so early. If I can bring you even a little peace on a day like today, I will. Now, let's go eat a late breakfast and then we can head out. The rain's let up for a little bit, too, even if the day is going to be overcast."

She nodded as she uncurled her body, stretching as she stood up. "Thank you for staying with me. I'm going to change into something a little more substantial for our visit while you make breakfast?"

"Of course, darling." Penelope followed her indoors, and kissed her once more before heading into the kitchen. Erin sighed a little before making her way upstairs and into their bedroom. Tugging off what she was currently wearing, Erin changed into a fresh set of underwear before pulling out a long skirt and a burgundy blouse, knowing that it had been Karen's favorite color. Once she was dressed, Erin went into the bathroom and washed her face a little before applying a light layer of makeup in order to look like she had some color in her face, and then went down to the kitchen.

Penelope was just setting their plates on the table when she got there, and she let out a small puff of air as she saw that she had whipped up her favorite French toast. "You take such good care of me, Penelope."

"Well, we both saved each other, in a way, so it makes sense that I'd take care of you." Penelope gave her a small wink before taking a seat at the table next to her. "I will never tire of telling you that I love you, Erin, and I'll never grow tired of taking care of you." She nodded a little as she picked up her fork and began to eat. The food was so delicious, but it took a lot for her to complete the meal, since she was still thinking about her Karen.

As they did the dishes, Erin heard her phone rattle on the counter, and she handed the dish in her hand to Penelope before going over there to see who was contacting her. A sad smile crossed her lips when she saw that Tabitha had texted to let her know that her family was heading to the graveyard in about forty five minutes, which meant that they most likely would cross paths. Bruce lived in Oregon these days, so he only made it back on Christmas, which Erin completely understood. Still, she was happy to know that she'd see at least one of her children that morning. Picking up her phone, she tapped out a quick reply, telling Tabitha that they were on their way as well, and would be there around the same time.

"Was that Tabitha?"

"Yes, we should arrive at the graveyard around the same time as her family, so I'll have two of the dearest people in my life close to me." Penelope gave her a little nod before stepping over to her side and wrapping her in a tight hug. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Penelope kissed her gently before taking hold of her hand and leading her out to the garage. "And I bought a plant for by the headstone, to add to the garden we're growing for her. I went with a peony this year, since they have such lovely blooms."

Erin couldn't speak as tears started to clog her throat, so she just nodded instead, slipping into the passenger seat of the car as Penelope went over to the other side. Absently, she listened to her partner start the car and back out of the garage before starting down the road. As Erin watched the scenery pass them by, Penelope turned up the radio, and a ghost of a smile danced across Erin's lips when she heard her favorite song start to warble out from the speakers. It wasn't until the fourth song played that Erin cottoned on to the fact that Penelope was deliberately playing songs that she loved in order to put her in a better frame of mind. Turning her head, she focused her gaze on her partner.

Soon, they were at the cemetery, and Erin slowly stepped out of the car, feeling her knees buckle a little as she saw her Tabitha waiting for her. "Mama!" her youngest cried out, jogging over to her side and wrapping her up in a tight hug as Erin pressed a fierce kiss to her forehead.

"Oh, my sweet Tabby," she murmured as she slung her arm around her daughter's waist, nodding a little to her husband as he carried her first grandchild in his arms. "I'm so glad that you're all here today. Especially since Bruce couldn't make it home this year, again. I wish he'd move back to the East Coast."

"He loves his job, Mama, and won't come back, even though we all miss him. At least we have Christmas?" She nodded as they finally arrived at Karen's headstone. Every time that she looked at that granite rectangle that measured the sum of her child's life here on this earth. The weeping cherry tree that Penelope had planted last year was still doing well, and she sank to her knees as she slowly reached out and touched the cool stone, feeling her heart crack as she gazed at the headstone. "Did you bring a shovel, Penny?"

"Yeah, I just left it in the car."

"Benn will get it for you, then." Erin glanced over to watch Tabitha take her son from her husband's arms, and she gave the little one the best smile she could as she tried not to dwell on the fact that her Karen would never get to spoil her nephew. She didn't know why it was hitting her so hard this year, but it was, and she allowed herself to cry as she listened to Tabitha tell Jeff about his aunt. "Mama, do you remember the time that we tied Brucie up and gave him a really bad haircut?"

She let out a watery laugh as she nodded, trying to ignore the feeling of the wet grass soaking her skirt as she continued to kneel, not knowing if her legs would hold her up. "I was so angry with that, but you two looked so sweetly guilty."

"Yeah, we wanted you to be proud of us, but we knew that we had screwed up when your face went white and then red. I, I'm hoping that we can have two more children, so that Jeffy can have the same sort of experience that we had growing up. At least he won't be an only child."

Erin felt a soft bloom of hope rise in her chest as she unsteadily rose to her feet, ignoring the way her skirt was now clinging to her lower legs as she reached out and brushed her hand over her daughter's stomach. "When did you find out? Jeff's only a year old!"

"I know, and I know it's not the most ideal, but the age difference between him and his sibling will be the same as was between Karen and Bruce. In some small way, I want to believe that this is the universe giving me back something."

She nodded as she hugged Tabitha and Jeff close to her chest, resting her head against Tabitha's as she watched Benn and Penelope dig a hole for the peony plant next to the tree. "Oh, my darling one, I wish that I had been able to be here for you at the end."

Her tears started to fall faster, and she tried to draw in a full breath as she weaved a little on her feet. "Erin, come here." She nodded as she let go of Tabitha to step into Penelope's open arm, letting her pull her close to her chest as they stood there silently. Behind them, Erin heard a branch snap, and she turned her head quickly to see who was interrupting their family time, sucking in a deep breath to see David standing there, a drawn look on his face. She hadn't seen the man in a year, and he looked tired, as if a bone deep weariness had seeped into every part of his body. Krystall wasn't there, for which Erin was extremely grateful, but she wasn't entirely happy to see that he had joined in on her grief. Even if her children still loved him, after everything that had happened between them.

"I didn't know that you were going to be here today," she managed to say, proud that her voice remained steady and even, that her grief wasn't coloring every word she spoke.

"I thought that I was going to miss you, actually. Usually, you come later in the afternoon."

She frowned a little at those words, feeling her hackles rise a little as Tabitha and Benn came up to flank them. "How do you know the habits that surround my grief?"

David blushed a little as his eyes darted over towards Penelope. "I never wanted to intrude on your grief, ever, so I made certain to stay abreast of this schedule when we ended things and you found your happiness with Penelope. I didn't think to call today, since you've kept the same schedule for the last three years."

She nodded, feeling tears start to roll down her cheeks as she burrowed closer to Penelope. "I see. And your wife?"

"Never comes. She doesn't understand the grief. I never expected her to, honestly. I see that you've added a new plant."

"Penelope thought that it would be nice if we brought as much life to this place as possible. It's one of the things that I love about her." Stepping away from her partner, she made her way into his space and reached out her hand to splay out on his chest, staring up into his eyes. There were still glimmers of the man she had loved there, and she felt her brittle heart start to crumble as they stared at each other. There were so many things that she wanted to say to him, to ask him, but nothing came to her lips as her tears began to fall quicker. His own started to roll into his goatee, and then he was crushing her to his chest as they both began to sob.

"There's so much that I have to apologise for, _bella_. But nothing I could ever say would fix things between us or sever your bond to Penelope. She brings you the peace that I never could," he whispered in her ear, which made her cry all the harder as she nodded. "I can go…"

"No, you're here now. Stay." Erin took hold of his hand before reaching her free hand out to Penelope, threading their fingers together as she directed them back to Karen's headstone. There was something so unfathomably right about his being there, and she let out a deep sigh as she tilted her head to rest it on Penelope's shoulder as she stared at the cold stone once more. "One of these days, I'm going to be able to stand here and not feel like I'm going to completely shatter at the sight. If I had died in New York, she might have lived. She wouldn't have been driving home after visiting me in that rehab centre, after all."

"Mama, you can't hold on to that guilt any longer. You can't keep imagining the what ifs, or it will drive you mad, and then you won't be here for my second baby." Tabitha was right, she knew that, but there was still that little voice of doubt that whispered to her that all her children would have productive lives if she had given in to John and just atoned for the sins of her past.

Penelope seemed to know which way her thoughts were running as she turned to her, reaching up with her free hand to caress her cheek. "Darling, I think that it might be time to head to our coffee shop. You're all welcome to join us, as it's a little cold this morning."

Erin gave her a soft smile as she nodded. "I think so, Penny." Letting go of David's hand, she allowed Penelope to pull her over to their car, and she climbed into her seat as she listened to Penelope say a few words to the others before getting behind the wheel and leaving the graveyard. The drive to Common Grounds didn't take too long, and Erin claimed their usual table, knowing that another chair could be added at both ends for the baby and David. Penelope got in line as the others showed up, and David grabbed a chair from the table next to theirs and Erin gave him a wan smile as he took a seat and then reached out for her hand once more. "Will Penelope get you something?"

"Yes. But thank you for asking." She sighed lightly as he leaned in and kissed her forehead softly before getting up and heading to the queue. Moments later, Tabitha was coming over to the table, handing Jeff to her before going over and grabbing a highchair to strap him into. "I'm sorry that we had to leave so soon, you're free to go back after you finish your drinks. Penelope just knows that I get overwhelmed at times and need to escape where I am. Much though I still love David, he does have the tendency to discombobulate me."

"I completely understand, Mama. After how things ended between the two of you, it's still surprising to know that you can be decent to him." Tabitha took a seat across from her and reached out for her hand, holding it lightly.

"It's more Krystall that I have issues with, than with David. And before you say it, I know that they both had their part to play in our split, but I'm more forgiving of him, because I love him. It's a different love from what we shared for a short time, but I fully believe that we never really stop loving people, even when they destroy such a large part of our hearts. Because there was a reason that we loved them in the first place, and that doesn't really change."

"I hope that I'm that wise when I get to be your age, Mama." Erin nodded a little as she nodded, squeezing Tabitha's hand tightly as Penelope returned to the table, handing a small plate to Erin before setting their mugs down. "Oh my gosh, those muffins look delicious!"

"There's still time to get Benn to order you one, Dave is taking forever to order."

Tabitha nodded as she pushed away from the table and hurried over to her husband, leaving them alone with baby Jeff. "So, Tabitha is pregnant again. It is going to feel weird to be a grandmother once more."

"You do so well with Jeff, Penny. He utterly adores you." Her partner nodded before leaning in and kissing her softly. "And you remembered my lemon poppyseed muffin."

"It's your comfort food, how could I forget it?" she asked as she snagged the double chocolate muffin off the plate and peeling off the wrapper before breaking off a piece to pop in her mouth. "Are you all right with him being so intimate with you? I can tell him to back off, if that's what you want and are just too kind to say no."

Erin shrugged a little as she picked up her coffee and took a long sip. "I think that I'm okay with it. It has been a year since we last saw each other, after all, at your going away party."

"And that went over so well."

Erin laughed a little before shrugging again. "Krystall was the one to start it. And as you've told me time and again, ladies don't start fights, but they certainly finish them." Penelope let out her own giggle before leaning in and kissing her delicately. "Hmm, that might be a combination that I have to try at home," she said as she licked her lips to remove the traces of muffins crumbs.

"It's always nice to experiment, in the kitchen and…elsewhere."

Erin blushed at that, hoping that David hadn't overheard that slightly ribald statement as he returned to the table, setting down his own mug and muffin before taking his seat. "Did I hear something about experimentation?" he asked, wiping away all hopes that he hadn't overheard that.

"Yes! Erin thinks that it would be a good idea to make chocolate lemon poppyseed muffins. I am close to agreeing with her, but I think that I'll need to taste the finished product to truly make up my mind."

"That does sound like an intriguing combination. If you end up making them, send some my way, will you?"

Erin nodded as she gave him a small smile. Taking a large bite of her muffin, Erin settled back in her chair, watching as her daughter and son in law rejoined them, feeling the first wave of true peace wave over her for the first time in almost a year. It was as if something had slid into place when David had shown up at the cemetery at the same time as them, and she was grateful for this opportunity to release some of the tension that she had been holding onto since the death of her Karen. "Um, we actually have the entire day free, Mama. Do you mind if we go back to your house and spend the day together? Jeffy doesn't see his grandmothers often enough, after all."

"I would love that, Tabby." She took a deep breath before glancing at David, giving him a small smile. "Do you think that you could come over too, for a few hours? This won't be enough for lunch, and Penelope makes a mean sandwich."

"I think that I can swing that, Erin. I'm supposedly at the cabin for the day, so Krystall isn't expecting me home until late afternoon at the earliest. And I would dearly like to get to know the little man better." Erin nodded as she reached out and clasped his hand, squeezing softly. "And I feel like we all have some catching up to do. It is more than past time that we started patching up our brittle, broken, hearts." Erin choked on her breath as she slowly nodded, hoping that this would be the way to find her peace.


End file.
